Anyone who knows the Haldane campus knows David Dougherty. Even if they don’t know the man personally, they can hear the effect he has had on Haldane. Audibly. Every day at lunchtime. Dougherty is well...
In response to movements to reintroduce Christian morals into the American population, a recent resolution by the Haldane Board of Education decided to implement the Ten Commandments into our humble school....
It is with a heavy heart that the Haldane Outlook Humors Board releases the following statement. Tough times have befallen Haldane’s account balance. As a result, the 9D softball field is scheduled for...
Attention, inhabitants of Haldane Middle School! As many of you already know, the viral “NeeDoh” stress toys have plagued us these past few months, and it is such that we have decided to ban these...
Ladies and gentlemen, the students of Haldane have made an impact. On Friday, February 6th, at 1:30 p.m., just one week after everyone else did it, nearly 200 Haldane students took to the streets in protest...
Unfortunately, the rules of grammar, well, they exist, and, al- lot of them piss me off. Lemme tell ya. I ain’t gonna put up with it no more. Fortunately, I know someone who shares the same opinion,...
Peers, Faculty, Haldenians, it has recently come to my attention that Haldane has begun to implement a “capital plan” to expand the quality of life for all Haldane students. The budget of this plan...
Every year, Haldane High School Students meet the new batch of dreaded, evil, apathetic freshmen. These freshmen are known for keeping their middle school immaturity and indifference. To stop this cycle...
Although Cold Spring may appear as a sleepy little village with picturesque scenery and a thriving commercial connection to NYC, a monster lurks beneath the noses of the unsuspecting civilians. These days,...
Many of us have heard of the infamous secret societies of collegiate fame — Yale, Princeton, UVA. These colleges are well known for what we know the least about. But Haldane is home to a far more sinister...
Today, I have been granted the opportunity and privilege to interview a very notable figure in the inner and outer workings of the school district: Vending Machine A.
MACHINE: "Insert Cash."
Many...
Well, we’re back. A brand new school year is ahead of us, and you’ve got work to do. Slight problem. You don’t want to do it. We’ve all been there, and I’m sure that your parental figures have...
