Well, we’re back. A brand new school year is ahead of us, and you’ve got work to do. Slight problem. You don’t want to do it. We’ve all been there, and I’m sure that your parental figures have complained about your work ethic. But I am here to take a bold stance: You’re not falling behind hard enough. And so, much to the dismay of every Haldane guidance counselor, I present to you a comprehensive guide to procrastination.
The first major tenet of procrastination is your sleep schedule. You need to stay up all night so that it is easier for you to doze off in class, at work, or in the middle of doing your homework.
Ten out of ten doctors recommend REDBULL ENERGY™. Sometimes, your day can be tough. Red Bull is a miracle drink, and the boys in R&D are hellbent on cramming pure caffeine down your gullet. Vitamins and Minerals are for losers who’ve never had a steak in their lives. Improve your performance, improve your awareness, improve your procrastination! And now, back to your regularly scheduled programming.
I personally recommend drinking three cans of Red Bull and then binging House M.D. all to make absolutely certain that you will be fighting for your life by third period. In fact, you should be so sleep deprived that you fall asleep sitting up and wake up four hours later, forgetting where you are.
And now we circle to perhaps my most important tip. In my years of study, I have developed a groundbreaking new approach to procrastination, which I have dubbed “Savantic Stupidity.” This strategy stems from an ancient neural technique, in which you fool yourself into believing that watching an eight-hour video on how President George Washington cleaned his teeth is “actually totally relevant to studying for my APUSH test, and this is how I get into the nitty-gritty details of history.”
Instead of learning how to balance chemistry equations, consider taking a deep dive into the reproductive cycle of lobe-finned fish. After all, the school system is an archaic device designed to stifle creativity, so consider learning how to churn butter. You’ll be grateful once you reach the perils of the real world. Instead of studying for your midterms, you’re now really, really good at using a Tech Deck.
In the end, your procrastination will thrive through the application of savantic stupidity, and a complete and utter lack of a defined sleep schedule. If you try hard enough, you’ll realize you can catch senioritis as early as sophomore year.
