Anyone who knows the Haldane campus knows David Dougherty. Even if they don’t know the man personally, they can hear the effect he has had on Haldane. Audibly. Every day at lunchtime. Dougherty is well known for his ritual of feeding the crows of the Haldane campus, and many faculty members have been forced to adapt to the sound of a murder of crows daily.
Although Dougherty retired from his middle school teaching position in 2023, he returned recently as a sub throughout the district. But rumors abound. Why did he retire? And why did he come back? Several students have mentioned small oddities in Dougherty’s behavior in the months after his return to Haldane, which only began after his retirement in 2023. To get to the bottom of this, the only correct course of action was to interview the man himself. The interview was conducted outdoors, on top of the bell knoll, a favorite spot of his for feeding the crows.
I opened the interview by asking how he had been feeling after his transition from a full-time teacher to a substitute. “Oh yeah, it’s been great. I feel like I’ve really been on the upswing! I’ve been getting up earlier, for example. The early crow gets the worm, you know,” Dougherty said.
He went on to discuss the new hobbies he’s been getting into, with all the time he’s had. “Y ’know, I think this country has a bit of a workaholic problem. In my experience, I spent every day making sure my students were getting the best English education possible, but unfortunately, I neglected the small pleasures in life. Like corn. I mean, seriously, that stuff ‘s great. And not that I don’t have my gripes with the corn industry, like those haymen things; I mean, they’re so off-putting! And for what? But yeah. seven to eight meals a week are just corn now. It’s good for you.”
Dougherty continued with his spiel: “I think when we have more time on our hands, even though I’m still working, we realize all the things we neglected when we were busy. Like drinking water. Now that I have more time on my hands and fewer issues to worry about, I’ve really increased my water intake. Typically, I like to drop pebbles into my bottle so the water level rises, as I find drinking straight out the lid to be incredibly arduous.”
Throughout the course of the interview, Dougherty was continuously sidetracked by what looked to be a small piece of tinfoil on the ground, as well as my silver belt buckle. When he noticed my visible confusion, he quickly changed the subject and said, “Also: trinkets. I’ve really been into collecting trinkets recently. Haldane is a veritable goldmine for this stuff, and did you know people just leave their keys in the teacher’s lounge? I mean, come on. That’s quality steel just lying around. My stash is about two miles, as the crow flies, but it’s starting to get a little more noticeable, given the amount I collected between retirement and sub work.”
It was at this point in the interview that there was a fundamental psychological shift in Dougherty’s calm demeanor. He interrupted his own discussion of trinket collection, stating, “I can’t take this anymore. I’m not Mr. Dougherty. He claimed I owed him for all the food he’s given me over the years, and while I’ve been slaving away at sub work, he’s been living it up in New Mexico!” It was made clear to me that this person was, in fact, not David Dougherty, but rather 70 crows, attempting to imitate him. The constant cawing probably should have set me off sooner, but like most Haldane residents, I’ve gotten used to the noise at this point.
In response to this reveal, Dougherty has now returned from New Mexico, as his counterpart had already received several complaints about his car key kleptomania, and despite the general progressive standpoint of Haldane’s administration, they haven’t made it to the point where they’re willing to keep 70 crows around as a substitute, especially crows without tenure.
