Attention, inhabitants of Haldane Middle School! As many of you already know, the viral “NeeDoh” stress toys have plagued us these past few months, and it is such that we have decided to ban these threats to education.

And so, without further ado, we present our unbiased, logical, exemplary announcement regarding this incredible new ban!

Firstly, anonymous sources report that NeeDohs often function as occult objects, specifically voodoo dolls. Among the extensive things we have heard, these sources mention one teacher getting a paper cut approximately 7 days after they saw a student squishing a NeeDoh. Not only this, but a student was reported to have received a bad grade, and claimed to have seen another student squishing a NeeDoh a week before…

Even without magic, NeeDohs seem to be to blame for many things. Take the anger our students feel at the new traffic pattern. This is, of course, because it keeps them from the NeeDoh dealers who sell on Craigside Drive. Furthermore, the anarchy in the boys’ bathroom (pulling out urinals, vandalizing stall doors, etc.) is the result of NeeDohs encouraging violent and destructive behaviors and shortening attention spans, making kids unable to do anything that doesn’t involve violence-fueled dopamine. (Yes, the NeeDohs are indeed the sole cause of the short attention spans seen in Gen Alpha.) In another case, student stress was soaring high before an exam, and three of the students taking it reported having squished a NeeDoh the same day. Of course, a NeeDoh must increase anxiety; one would be in constant worry of it breaking!

The hooliga–er….students…have even been engaging in thievery and fighting over them. Flamethrowers have been used. Don’t believe it? A student recently burned their hand after putting lead in their Chromebook, and, sure enough, a NeeDoh was present. Need I say more?

But to cater to the Nee-Doh-shortened attention spans of our readers, we will now end our carefully reasoned argument with a hasty conclusion. Before we leave you, however, a student requested that I share this message regarding the NeeDoh ban:

“Cuz neados are banned, we’ll sell them in secret. Ok? Meet me at recess, and I’ll give u some! My options are a strawberry one, a dino one, and a square. Each costs 1 doler. Be careful that teachers don’t see, ok bye.”