Peers, Faculty, Haldenians, it has recently come to my attention that Haldane has begun to implement a “capital plan” to expand the quality of life for all Haldane students. The budget of this plan is $28,359,954, and includes such frivolities as “Critical infrastructure repairs” and “Secure entry vestibules at each school building.” And that’s all well and good, butttttt… the football field doesn’t have lights yet.
It is clear that there is a complete lack of understanding of how pressing this matter is. We have to rent lights! For our own homecoming game! I think we need to consider the team that is constantly shoved to the wayside in favor of the greedy, covetous tennis team. I mean, come on, we need to be reasonable here. Why should they get lights? All they need to do is play a little faster, and the sun won’t even be close to setting by the time they’re done. Or, better yet, we could make tennis a spring sport. Think about it. The sun doesn’t set, it’s warmer, and more fans will attend football games.
And worse, I have grounds to believe that this whole capital project is just a scam to squander Haldane football’s hard-earned and theoretical 28 million dollar budget. Before you complain, take a step back and really consider what it is that this budget seeks to pay for. Critical infrastructure repairs? All you gotta do is offer some extra credit, and you’ll have a mob of upperclassmen fishing for a gpa boost and the ability to put “Urban Planner and Architectural Visionary” on their college resume. And really. Let’s sit down and unpack this. “Secure entry vestibules at each school building.” You let a bunch of snake oil salesmen sell you doors. For 20 million dollars. Last I checked, a door’s a pretty solid, “secure entry vestibule,” and I think I would know if the doors were falling off their hinges.
Based on the math I’ve scribbled on the back of a napkin, the grout guns, duct tape, and overtime pay for the supervisors come to around 600 bucks. And I will not be replacing my doors, thank you very much. That means we have about $28,359,354 left over. So, let’s start with the basics. First and foremost, the field lights. That’s an easy expense. Of all fall sports, football players have the most gear, so why not purchase a coach bus so each player can have room to store their pads, helmets, custom emblazoned undershirt, jersey, shorts, socks, mouthguard, gloves, and other such important expenses. Finally, I suggest we convert the small gym to a members-only, state-of-the-art training facility, with personal trainers working around the clock to ensure we win states next year.
This cohesive and thorough plan will help eliminate wasteful spending, ensure our spot as the number one (class D) football team in New York state, and finally obtain the white whale of lights at the turf. And hey, if we ever need more money, we can always sell the middle school to make ends meet.
