In response to movements to reintroduce Christian morals into the American population, a recent resolution by the Haldane Board of Education decided to implement the Ten Commandments into our humble school. For those who aren’t already aware, the Ten Commandments are a set of moral or religious laws in the Bible to guide human behavior.

The recent decision to implement the Ten Commandments seems to be an organized effort to control the rabid students dashing across the halls. With previous incidents of bathrooms being destroyed and the never-ending cheating on assignments, the school board has had enough, and they are ready to add a few new rules to our district.

To not add any confusion to this already complicated and useless rule, Haldane has added its own, “very little” revisions to the Ten Commandments to suit the needs of the people of our school.

Without further ado, below is the release of the newly revised commandments, which are perfectly adjusted to fit the needs of the students and the higher authority of our school district.

THE TEN COMMANDMENTS:

1. I (teacher) am the supervisor of the room; thou shalt have no individuals in the classroom before me, to maintain full power of the class.

2. Thou shalt not make any idols, besides supervisors or anyone of higher authority in the school.

3. Thou shalt not take the name of thy teacher/supervisor in vain.

4. Remember the school day, to keep it full of productivity, strain, and stress, in honor of your supervisors.

5. Honor thy teachers, principals, and higher authority.

6. Thou shalt not slack off (in the presence of teachers).

7. Thou shalt not commit vandalism of any school property.

8. Thou shalt not interrupt thy teacher, resulting in penalties for not respecting the supervisor.

9. Thou shalt not lie about thy teachers, or spread harmful misinformation as an act of dishonor.

10. Thou shalt not desire thy teacher’s goods or intelligence, for they are the ultimate figures in your classroom.

When all 10 of the revised commandments were released, many stated that this was all one big propaganda scheme to support and honor the “supervisors” of Haldane. It has also been observed that there have been no positive effects. Th e only commandment that seems reasonable is number seven, which looks like a cheap way to fi x the bathroom’s bathroom’s state of constant disarray.

These commandments are a way to limit student freedoms and provide a route for teachers to obtain control of many of the totally understandable freedoms of students, as if many of their constitutional rights aren’t taken already. Students chanted in unison, “We are adjusting to the new hierarchy, but no complaints so far,” as they said in their new all-white and blue uniforms, formal posture, and bland robotic voices.