Many of us have heard of the infamous secret societies of collegiate fame — Yale, Princeton, UVA. These colleges are well known for what we know the least about. But Haldane is home to a far more sinister group, hidden beneath a vale of academia and community service.

“I pledge to uphold the high purposes of the National Honor Society to which I have been selected. I will be true to the principles for which it stands; I will be loyal to my school; and will maintain and encourage high standards of scholarship, leadership, service, and character.” These are the words sworn by every soon-to-be acolyte of the National Honor Society. Many members of the group are completely unaware of the more sinister undertones of the group they claim to be a member of. The NHS? Flip that around, and you get the HSN. Scholars in cultology have long debated what it stands for. The Haldane Society of Nefariousness? The Haldane School foundation? No one knows.

To the average reader, my claims may seem baseless and downright crazy. But worry not, I have proof. First of all, the initiation ceremony for the NHS is blatantly cultish. The ceremony involves the initiates lighting a candle and swearing an oath to one of four pillars. But where else have we heard of the number four? That’s right, the four horsemen of the apocalypse. Scholarship. As they say, knowledge is power, and power corrupts, and corruption leads to conquest. Service. Military service? That one’s easy. Character. We’ve got about 40 people in our high school. We’re absolutely starved for character. Leadership? Everyone knows that death is the leader of the Horsemen.

But there is still one detail I have yet to include. After the pledge has been stated, students stand before five candles, four for the pillars, and a fifth nameless candle, the progenitor of the flame for the other four. And yet the candle remains nameless. But why? Because it’s the secret fifth virtue. Evil. Five candles, five deadly sins. (Envy and sloth don’t count; tell me to my face you’ve never overslept once in your life.)

In order to delve deeper into this, I interviewed a hooded figure who claimed to be the NHS leader, Haldane senior Leo Grocott. When questioned about the bizarre candle ceremony, the figure claimed that “it’s an allegory for the enlightenment of education in young minds, y’know?” He claimed that the goals of the HSN were “Peace, Order, and Good Government.” Meetings of the HSN are to be held on the third floor of the Haldane High School, on Tuesdays and Thursdays.

Grocott’s final request? “Make me seem like a cool cult leader.”