For years, the Haldane student body has maintained a tradition: superintendent nicknames based on how frequently they would call snow days. Our brilliant, albeit slightly rowdy, student body has come up with some ingenious nicknames, but the arrival of our brand new superintendent, Dr. Gail Duffy, begs the question: What will the brilliant student think tank come up with this year? 

Let’s look back on our past naming conventions for some inspiration. Between 2014 and 2017, our former superintendent, Dr. Diana Bowers, came to be known as “Snowshowers Bowers.” Apparently, the notion of hell freezing over was commonplace amidst the Bowers administration, as a single snowflake was seen as a sign of a wintery apocalypse. Rumor had it that she canceled school due to visions of woolly mammoths that she had foreseen through the use of ancient Paleolithic scrying techniques. Bowers was also the first to pioneer the mystical concept of “The Mountain.” Unlike the Village of Cold Spring, “The Mountain” is a mystical place that exists in a constant state of permafrost. Bowers, a rumored resident of “The Mountain,” would typically send out crews of bus drivers armed with snowblowers and flamethrowers to thaw out a new snowfall, lest the mountain collapse under the weight of new snow. It is because of this that the phrase “It’s worse on The Mountain” was coined: to remind ungrateful young Haldane students of the people who are far less fortunate than they are. 

With the dawn of the Year of our Lord 2017, a new snowlord appeared, far less concerned with the faulty politics of “The Mountain”: Dr. Phillip “Full Day Phil” Benante. Unlike his predecessor, Benante was a strong proponent of the manifestation theory when it came to calling snow days. I have anonymous eyewitness accounts that claim Benante kept a room in his home, which he carpeted with a thick layer of sand from the Gobi desert. On nights with forecasted snow, he would keep a sleepless, meditative vigil while sitting cross-legged on the sand, muttering in quiet tongues. When tracked down and confronted about this strange, ritualistic practice, he handed me a crisp one-hundred-dollar bill and told me that “thinking warm thoughts is my key to success.” Some radical students even claim he has ties to an Exxon executive whom he has convinced to exacerbate the effects of climate change, thereby reducing snowfall rates. Benante’s apparent reasoning for this was that, quote, “Every second of school time counts, we’ve got APs to study for.” Although official reports state that Benante transferred to Arlington High School, I personally believe that he returned to his homeland in the Arabian desert, living a simple life as a camel herder.

With the introduction of a new superintendent, a brand-new nickname requires some time and brainstorming. My current suggestions are “Snow or Hail Gail” and “It doesn’t even have to be fluffy Duffy.” 

We’ll workshop. 

However, as we examine the chronicles of Haldane’s history, we must also consider our shared future. Where will Superintendent Gail Duffy take her stand? Will each feeble flake be the sign of a new ice age? Or will multiple students go missing, drowning in 5 feet of snow, because “when I was your age, we used to wrestle salmon from the local grizzly bear for breakfast.” Only time will tell. 

Have nickname suggestions? Email me at [email protected]