Are you an uninspired procrastinator with no desire to win the costume contest? Well, it’s too late for you. You probably disgraced yourself this Halloween. Not to fret. Get ahead with these 17 low-effort costumes and look almost presentable next year.
- MUMMY: Make toilet paper sticky (nail glue works best). Wrap yourself in this toilet paper.
- UNICORN: Bungee cord yourself to a small folding table to act as your hind legs. Glue a paper towel roll to a headband and rock your new horn.
- SCARECROW: Put on a flannel and jeans. Glue dry pasta to the cuffs and collar to mimic wheat.
- THE HUNCHBACK OF NOTRE DAME: Maintain your hunch all night.
- A COLOR: I recommend beige. Wear beige. Color yourself beige.
- A DIFFERENT RACE OR ETHNICITY: Don’t stop at color. Take advantage of the opportunity and adopt any culture of your choice for the night. Everyone will get a hoot out of such light, harmless fun.
- PHYSICALLY OR DEVELOPMENTALLY DISABLED: Such a versatile costume with no materials required. For example, you can pretend that you can’t hear people, walk with your eyes closed, or maintain your best Forrest Gump impression. But thank God you don’t have to have it for the rest of your life, amirite?
- “SHADY”: Put on dark clothes, cover your face, and prowl your neighborhood. Walk quickly with your hands in your pockets. Do not engage with others.
- AN ABSENT FATHER: If you don’t show up to the event, you don’t have to wear a costume.
- GAY: Partake in romantic activity with a member of the same gender. It’s not really gay because it’s Halloween!
- THE JERK: Insult your friends and family. They can’t say anything because that was the jerk talking.
- BARBER: Bring scissors to your Halloween outing and go ham. The less warning given and the less consent received, the better.
- THIRD WHEEL: Put a spare tire around your waist. Join any couple and don’t let them be.
- MARATHON RUNNER: Wear athletic shorts and a t-shirt. Pretend to be really thirsty and take everyone’s drinks. A costume that will give you a similar outcome is “Paul Blart: Mall Cop.” Wear blue pants, a blue shirt, and a Sharpie mustache. Take kids’ candy because you need it to keep your blood sugar up.
- A LIGHT BREEZE: Blow in people’s faces.
- A COSTUME CRITIC: Wear nothing especially costumeish, but scowl, glare, grimace, scoff, and shake your head at costumes you don’t approve of. Carry around a cardboard sign with a big red 0 on it.
- YOURSELF: The final, perfect costume has been in the mirror all along. Your mom was always right when she told you to always be yourself! Everyone will think you are so funny, chill, and unbothered by the pressures of Halloween.
Thank me next Halloween when you’re the life of the party.
