Let’s set the scene. The final quarter for the class of ’25. It’s early spring, so we know what that entails: gorgeous weather, birds chirping, and flowers blooming. But something is wrong at Haldane High School. Teachers are beginning to notice that some of their star students are missing and only seeing their faces once in a blue moon. Is something, or someone, going after them? Even the seniors who are still in school aren’t locked in. Something is clearly off. Teachers are worried, and the remaining seniors are nervous that they’ll be next. The nurses have a hypothetical diagnosis, as it seems to occur more frequently every year. Yup, it’s time for…
SENIORITIS
Signs of the plague began showing earlier this year in a few select students, but symptoms really started ramping up when the second semester hit. Now, we see more and more evidence of the epidemic every day. Seniors are missing in the mornings and reappearing in the afternoons; they’re falling asleep in class, and suddenly, canine-related classwork consumption is on the rise.
Haldane’s staff holds an emergency meeting. “What do we do?” they ask themselves. “Should we send out a search party?” Some teachers suggest trying to create a new, fun learning environment; principal Sniffen suggests flame throwers. The emergency response board settles on a senior assembly and calls home to rally parents into action.
Despite the staff’s efforts, this plague isn’t giving up easily. It feels as if all hope Haldane sophomore Henry Foley-Hedlund steps out. Photo by Nicolo Masella is lost. Even for the students who are still showing up for school, grades are dropping below the 65 mark, and their heads are dropping onto their desks. There seems to be no motivation left in all of the senior class. Phrases such as “Our grades don’t matter anymore” and “We’re already in college, who cares?” are being uttered in the halls.
As the disease spreads and the classrooms empty out, some students have expressed concern that …
Tragically, this transcript remains unfinished, as one of our beloved sports editors, Caroline Agnes Sniffin, contracted schola desidia, commonly known as senioritis. Perhaps next year, our nursing staff will muster up a cure. It seems that folk cures, such as parental anger and heart-stopping levels of caffeine, are less and less effective with every passing quarter. Stay safe, stay healthy, and keep your grades– and your guards– up.
