Well, it’s finally time. Our seniors are headed out to the next stage of their lives, from far-flung dormitories to urban campuses, and it is certainly a daunting prospect. Nevertheless, I felt it was my duty, as someone with extensive knowledge on this topic, to share important tips and tricks with our upperclassmen.
Now, let’s be real. College is ex- pensive. To stay afloat during these challenging financial times, investing is crucial. Traditional investment will likely be your best bet, so consider buying a few acres of farmable land in Missouri. Alternatively, purchasing three to four oxen and a wagon is a less lucrative but more stable mar- ket to take advantage of. However, if you’re still committed to the idea of “the stock market,” consider investing in up-and-coming companies, such as Yahoo, or, if you’re a particularly savvy investor, start your own Ponzi scheme.
Loans are also a vital part of the college’s financial experience. I be- lieve that you should put your money in the hands of trusted businessmen. Such businessmen include: the man in the tan jacket who watches you from the side of the road, the three raccoons in a trench coat who swear they killed the guy who invented compound interest, and Dave, the Loan Man.
Regarding your room situation, there are several dos and don’ts to consider. When purchasing furniture, you should focus on the basics, such as a pool table (keep in mind that the balls and cues will be provided), a leather recliner with the leather removed (the everpresent vegan Residence Advisors will be angry), and finally, a newfangled 1971 Sony KV-1201 CRT television, important for keeping up with all your favorite sitcoms, like Gilligan’s Island.
To achieve academic success, it’s essential to maintain a well-balanced diet. As a college student, your diet needs to be 90-95 percent stew. Stew is one of the 12 basic food groups, along with food that you stole from the communal fridge and toast sandwiches, each of which are pri- mary parts of a well-balanced meal. A personal favorite recipe of mine is called forager’s stew, and it’s all about making that meal plan stretch. The first ingredient you’ll need is a pigeon. I suggest catching some on campus using a crossbow made out of improvised school supplies, but there’s a chance your roommate has some left over from the last time they foraged. For your next item, check be- hind every appliance in your dorm for whatever mushrooms have inevitably and inexplicably sprouted. If you’re lucky and your roommate has planted an avocado tree in the sink in an “act of eco-terrorism,” just go ahead and toss those in. The avocado’s natural fats will balance out the harsh mush- room aromas. If you’re an adventur- ous eater, roasted roaches will add a bit of crunch to your meal, and there’s always a colony living in the air ducts, so go wild. Remember, the key to a productive college experience is good sleep, good friends, and, of course, a diet made up primarily of stew.
