Since the disappearance of several young actors and crew, families of Haldane drama students have started to renovate their loved ones’ bedrooms into something more practical. Offices, home theatres, saunas, gyms, you name it. Life seems to move on without these kids. But where have they gone? Experts inspecting the case made a shocking discovery: their mysterious disappearance aligns perfectly with the commencement of the grueling, long hours of Tech Week for “Macbeth.” A peek into school after hours will reveal the unsettling truth about these disappearances.

Upon first look, you may not recognize your former friends and family. Their skin is pale and dull. The warm stage lights, cast by the zombie-like crew, bring the students back to better days when vitamin D was plentiful. No matter how curi ous you may be, you must keep your distance from these creatures; sick ness plagues the masses. So far, the crew has tested positive for Home sickness, Sickness of Each Other, and Cooties. Illnesses spread in the close quarters the crew inhabits. Their lodgings, also called changing rooms, smell like a combination of everyone’s lunch, dinner, and costumes. The actors in the music room have grown attached to a new scent line, a certain Eau de Wet Fritos, which creates a delectably delicious aroma in all surrounding areas. When the cast sleeps, you can find them hanging upside down from the ceilings in their delicate, old costumes. If you listen closely, you can even hear the murmured repetition of lines or muffled cries from the weaklings.

When rest time is over, the crew rises to the familiar cries of “Awake, awake! Ring the alarm bell”, “Shake off this downy sleep,” or “Up, up, and see the great doom’s image!” It does get pretty old.

Upon waking up, the actors ap pear far from lively. Haldane Drama sends their condolences to the chil dren suspected dead and carted off in wheelbarrows (In their defense, they did look pretty dead). To pre vent such casualties, the actors do their best to look presentable. As you know, makeup only gets better as it ages. That’s why the cast only uses stage makeup handed down from Cleopatra and Marie Antoi nette or sourced directly from the set of “The Wizard of Oz.” Once all dolled up, the students must have their breakfast. Suste nance is key when working in the mines–I mean on shows—working on shows. It’s a lucky day when crew members or directors bring food to the set. Fan favorites include Peanut M&Ms, Honey Wheat Twists, and clementines. Then, to work.

However, it isn’t all work. The crew has downtime, though enter tainment is limited. The desper ate cast swarms like flies around whichever lucky kids brought their game consoles. There are other ways to entertain themselves for those who’d rather not watch Mor tal Combat for hours on end. For instance, to keep spirits high, the crew sings—whether you want to hear it or not. A battle cry of cats and frogs fills the long days and splits eardrums.

The crew is as close as can be, so if you think you heard the most diabolically offensive, wicked, uncivil, impudent insult to ever grace the ears of man, you did. Don’t take it personally; they are a hive mind of tired, passionate teens who all have a common goal. Create. Again and again, they never fail to do something remarkable.